Primate (2026) – Monkeys, Rabies, and a Guy Eating Pizza in the Dark

Primate (2025)

Director: Robert Woods

Cast: Johnny Sequoyah, Troy Kotsur, Victoria Wyant, Jess Alexander

A rabid chimpanzee. An infinity pool. Five absolutely useless young adults. What could go wrong? Everything. Everything could go wrong — and somehow, the chimp is still the most competent character in the movie.

This week on Dewey Pod Monster, we're reviewing Primate (2025), the January horror dump that dared to ask: what if a family kept a chimpanzee as a pet in a cliffside Hawaii mansion, and then absolutely nobody made a single smart decision for 92 minutes? We dig into the practical effects, the logic leaps, and why a guy eating cold pizza in the dark while his family gets murdered is somehow the funniest and most baffling scene of 2026.

In this episode, we discuss:

🐒 Monkey Strong, Plot Weak — We break down everything that works and everything that spectacularly doesn't in this rabid-chimp slasher. Spoiler: the guy in the suit is genuinely good. The screenplay is not.
🏊 40 Minutes in the Pool — An extended rant about how this movie traps its characters — and its audience — in a crystal-clear infinity pool for what feels like the entire runtime, while somehow never making it tense, scary, or interesting.
🍕 Deaf Dad Eating Pizza in the Dark — The third act arrives and so does Troy Kotsur, wandering around a destroyed house, completely oblivious, casually snacking. We debate whether this is horror movie stupid or just regular human being stupid, and land firmly on: both.
📱 Just Say “Hey Siri,” You Cowards — A full takedown of the movie's most infuriating logic gap: a locked phone with a cracked screen that nobody thinks to voice-activate, despite the fact that this technology has existed for over a decade.

We Also Talked About:

The Boys Season 5 (Amazon) — The final season is airing and Sean's been watching. Thoughts are complicated. Check back next week for the full breakdown once it's wrapped.
WWE Biography: The Four Horsemen (A&E) (Amazon)— Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, and Ole Anderson get the biography treatment. The verdict: mostly a clip show that somehow makes one of wrestling's greatest factions feel boring.
Shrek 25th Anniversary Re-Release (2001) (Amazon) — Sean saw the original Shrek in theaters for the first time ever. The CGI has aged like milk left in a hot car. He liked it anyway.
A Gorilla Story (Netflix, narrated by David Attenborough) — John watched this stunning nature documentary and won't shut up about it. Gorgeously shot, emotionally devastating, and proof that real gorillas are more compelling than anything in Primate. John said gorilla approximately 47 times discussing it.
Mankillers (1987) (Tubi) — A gloriously stupid AIP action movie about a CIA agent, a Colombian drug cartel, and a lot of green wife beaters. John recommends it enthusiastically.
The Werewolf of Washington (1973) (Tubi) — The president's press secretary is a werewolf. That's the pitch. That's the whole pitch. John loved every inappropriate minute of it.