Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
Director: Dominique Othenin-Girard
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Danielle Harris, Ellie Cornell, Beau Starr
What happens when you rush a Halloween sequel into production without a finished script? You get Michael Myers floating down a river in a life vest like Tina Turner, a psychic link that gets abandoned faster than a plot in a hurry, and Donald Pleasence screaming at small children for 90 straight minutes. Halloween 5 is a movie that dares to ask: what if we took everything good about this franchise and replaced it with clown music? Join us as we suffer through the most nonsensical entry in the series yet.
In this episode, we discuss:
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Loomis Has Completely Lost It — The good doctor has officially gone off the deep end. He's screaming at a mute child like a dog, using a 12-year-old as bait, and finishing the movie by Home Alone-ing Michael Myers with a chain net from Home Depot and then hacksawing him until he basically passes out on top of him. This is not the Loomis you remember.
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Michael Myers, River Surfer — We open with Michael getting shotgunned into a hole, floating down a stream in what is clearly a life vest with what looks like a pizza box stuffed under his back, and then crashing with a homeless guy in a tree for an entire year. The hobo feeds him nothing, showers him nothing, and is shocked when Michael wakes up and murders him. That's gratitude for you.
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Just Take the Mask Off — Michael is the most wanted man in Haddonfield, yet he's walking around in broad daylight standing behind trees with a leaf over his eye. We now know what he looks like — he's just a regular guy! Nobody in this town would recognize him without the mask. This movie refuses to let its own villain be smart for even one scene.
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The Soundtrack Sounds Like a Fisher-Price Keyboard — They took one of the most iconic horror scores in cinema history and turned it into the drugstore version of itself. The Halloween theme now sounds like it's being played on a toy piano at a yard sale. Every time the two comic relief cops show up, they get clown music. We have questions and there are no answers.
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